I’m feeling a little ‘off’ this week and I think theres been a few contributing factors. I started back on a hormone based contraceptive which I haven’t dabbled with in years, as well as having moved to a new place and got 3 months into sobriety with a new sponsor. As a result I don’t think I’ve been listening to my body enough or taking the time to just look after myself mentally. I’ve also slipped a little in terms of giving away too much energy to the wrong things. Often people present themselves as though they are caring and want the best for you when actually they are looking to draw from you energy in order to bring you down to their level. It’s down to us to listen to our gut on this and say no if it doesn’t feel like something that’s going to be good for you. You never owe anyone a conversation just to appease them at the cost of your mental well-being.

I’ve been feeling on the verge of tears all week and finally when I woke up yesterday (past 10am which is unheard of for me) I knew that I’d hit some kind of wall. I felt like I’d been hit by a bus.

I try very hard to stick to plans these days so I still got myself up and ready to face the day and push through when perhaps I should have listened to my body. A friend of mine is going through a tough time too so it was a draining day all round with work and friendship duties.

By the time I got home I was feeling almost like I’d taken some sort of drug. My heart was racing and my mind was buzzing. I felt very unsettled and stressed. It ended with me having a full blown panic attack late evening totally out of the blue so to speak. It’s like my brain felt over stimulated and just shut down. I started feeling detached from reality, the TV was really uncomfortable to look at, my eyes started dithering (same as you can get from MDMA or related things) and the world sort of closed in on me. Super sweaty, hard to breathe etc.

It’s really scary feeling like you cant trust your own brain, and not being able to control your physical reactions. I took a sleeping pill but even that didn’t work – crazy because back when I was drinking/ using I would take them at the end of a night if I’d done any cocaine and it would put me to sleep. So them not working was quite a sign of how much stress my mind was under.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of vivid dreams too which have been very intense and just not very nice. I think I’m gonna give it another couple of weeks to see if it levels out but if not I can’t see the benefit of continuing with this. Not to mention the breakout of spots on my forehead and down my back. Frustrating as I was never the one to experience side effects much in my younger years.

Today I’m going to try to relax and be kind to myself. In AA we have a prayer that we say in the morning. It’s not religious, it’s to help you start the day in a positive way. Feel free to have a read and take whatever from it that you feel beneficial to you.

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