I’m so busy thinking about food that I quite literally do not have the brain capacity to come up with a better post title. That’s where we’re at folks.
They say (who are ‘they’ I wonder) that once you quit drinking or smoking that you can develop a real penchant (oui oui) for food, especially sugar. Which makes sense as you’re unwittingly replacing one addiction, crutch, obsession or whatever you call it, for another. These things hop around like fleas.
I’m struggling with this idea in terms of linking it back to myself and my own story. And when people say not to be so hard on myself because it’s part of the ‘recovery process’, I feel like a bit of a fraud. Oh heck maybe that feeling is also part of it.. oo the mystery. There’s something in this writing stuff my fellow comrades! Breakthroughs left, right and centre!
The reason I feel this way is because I wasn’t so much addicted to alcohol in a traditional sense. And yes the smoking definitely increased trifold before I finally quit the fags but this increase was only really in the more recent times since quitting drinking and fasting etc. So I don’t know how legit of a case this makes me for the whole ‘it’s to be expected’ thing.
I’ve been on a mission to lose weight and yes my timing is impeccable as always. I used the stress of my breakup to basically fast-track this into action. I really couldn’t eat for the first two weeks (first time for everything) because my little heart was in a million pieces and I had to pick them all back up before even thinking about food. Then once my appetite returned I was on around 1000 – 1200 calories per day. I actually lost over a stone this way and wasn’t finding it too difficult as I’ve never had a sweet tooth and I’m obsessed with vegetables. Also if I really think about it I guess it’s very likely that I was using this as another form of control. It was a major part of my day that I had control over and I felt safe in that. Plus weigh-loss is addictive AF in itself. I was tracking my meals in an app and got myself a Fitbit. I tracked everything. Energy in, energy out and i lost over a stone in a month and a half.
If you’re thinking that simply is not sustainable you’d be very correct but in my mind I had a goal and once I reach it I’ll just go up to maintenance calories.
Just over a month in to this I quit drinking and then subsequently smoking and it all went a bit tits up. Bit dramatic but in my mind that’s how it feels. The cravings arrived. And not necessarily for just bad stuff (definitely also the bad stuff) because weirdly enough muesli was high up there. Im guessing because it’s carb heavy. Since then my only way to control it is my continued fasting until the early afternoon when i have my first meal. After that the cravings set in and I’m pretty much screwed as I have very little control over them. And this isn’t just limited to times when I’m on my own or not busy. The craving gremlin gives 0 fucks about the company that I keep. The most disturbing part is that I have never had a sweet-tooth. Even fact checked this with mum who confirmed that even as a child I didn’t have much of an interest. I’m the kinda girl who has her coffee black and skips dessert. Until now.
In recent days it’s actually got so bad that I’ve had to make myself sick. Couple reasons for this. I am pretty darn intolerant to certain wheat etc and I get painfully bloated almost immediately. I’ve been eating a quite restricted diet for a couple of months so I think some of these evening ‘binges’ have been an extra shock to the system. You won’t catch me in the shop buying cake and chocolate often, only on the weekend maybe. But I will over eat on stuff like dinner, muesli, fruit and basically anything I can find in my cupboards. So I will either be so over-full, bloated or calorie aware that the only way to ease it is to vom it back up. Nice. This isn’t daily, I am very aware that it is a slippery slope and I want to be honest about it. I set myself a target weight goal for May 1st and I am really feeling the self induced pressure. In a small effort to ease this I got rid of my Fitbit and stopped tracking stuff including my sleep because that was also feeding my control issues.
My addictive nature matched with my dislike for my body as well as the lockdown is a dangerous mix. I hate to think how many hours per day my brain spends obsessing over this. Exhausting. But I don’t want people to worry or think that this is a long term issue because I know myself well enough to realise that it’s not. The cravings will ease and life will get back to some kind of normality. A better shinier version of my old normality. I’m excited and hopeful and making daily progress.
It’s important to me to be open about this because it’s a really taboo subject. I’ve brought it up with a couple of friends who admit they have done the same at times but haven’t ever told anyone. So I’m going to end this post in my usual repetitive way to ask that we all keep talking about this stuff please. We only feel alone when we don’t share our stories.
A note for today – celebrate the wins big or small!
I celebrated my 50 days of sobriety with Swedish buns, coffee and sparklers! A little gift to my inner child..
Sober day 52 & 20 smoke free days boiiiiii