Been sat here battling with title ideas for this post as if that is the most important part of all this. Funny how we so easily get distracted by wrong things.. This post is also a little thrown together and all over the shop but I don’t want to overthink it.
It’s been a whirlwind start to the year – yes even all the while being in the midst of a full swing lock down. ‘Full-swing’ and ‘lock down’ don’t really go hand in hand thinking about it but I always take the weird route.
Like I mentioned in my last post I decided to keep some of the old content up on the blog because it sets the scene. Even more so now as it happens. I think I’ve known for a long time that somethings been a little ‘off’ with my life. It sure hasn’t felt like I’ve landed quite right and there has definitely been a lot of wrong turns. A lot. By the grace of this lock down, and even my recent breakup I have to say it has finally allowed me the space to sit and think about everything. Not limited to sitting of course as I’ve walked, jogged, gymmed, spoken with, spoken to and just about used any scenario to enable myself to analyse and digest my life up until now. What the hell went wrong? Okay sounds dramatic but this is something that has effected my whole life.
I thought I was doing rather well and feeling happier within myself, which I really was to an extent. But then it happened again. It was a Friday and I figured I deserved a few drinks with friends – I could handle it now right? Wrong. Blacked out after half of what I used to knock back some years or even months previous.
I woke up the next morning – correction. I woke up the next afternoon fully clothed and disorientated. Banging headache. With the knowledge that at some point in the night I had blacked out, and had the faint recollection of an argument with a close friend of mine.
That following Monday I remembered that another friend of mine had briefly mentioned that he’d come across a copy of the AA book in his flat as we were both trying to have a break from the booze etc. So I asked if I could pop over to borrow the book, and double points as the walk to Clapton gets those all important steps in right?
That was when the seed was sewn without me even realising it. Fast forward a little and I’m now doing the 90 in 90 and have picked up my first chip. Yep throwing a couple of AA terms out for you there because I am now a fully fledged member of Alcoholics Anonymous. This might sound like an extreme move from someone who isn’t alcohol dependent, but the destructive manner of my binge drinking means I’m more than qualified to be there.
Here’s the thing. I am a good person. But slowly but surely the blackouts became more frequent, and having to send apologetic messages the morning after a part of the routine. Many of us are almost led to believe that this is normal ‘hey Kayla remember what we did last night, crazy right?’. It’s not normal, and I don’t find it funny anymore.
If I look back on any of my actions which bring me shame and remorse 99% of them are linked to alcohol. I would not have done any of that shit sober. And trust me I’ve done some terrible things in my time. But what I didn’t realise was that I have alcoholic tendencies, which will never get any better and I will never be able to control. It doesn’t make me an asshole. It makes me an alcoholic. Someone who is allergic almost, to alcohol. It just does not mix well, or sit well, with me. And no before yet another person suggests it – I can’t do ‘moderation’. It is not a choice. I’ve dabbled with sober stints before as i guess deep down i’ve known. But now I’ve found a place with others like me, ready to support me. Bloody brilliant.
I am at the stage now where I am genuinely excited for the future with the knowledge that I am building a network of support that will help me achieve a happy and balanced life. I know that I have a real desire for success and for love – both of which will only be possible if I stay sober.
I am under no illusions that this is the easiest part of this challenge. Lock down means no pubs or social gatherings, the two things which will undoubtedly test my strength. But I am the healthiest I’ve been in years physically (already lost a stone since Christmas), and I’m prioritising my mental health too in the way of therapy, journaling, meditation etc. And above all just being mindful and aware of triggers.
There is a lot of work to be done, but seeing as I wont be hungover I’ll have a bit of spare time 😉
Oh P.S. changed the name of the blog