What an intense few weeks! I’ve been battling with the stress of it all a little more than I want to admit to myself I think. Between interview prep, flat hunting, moving, plumbing disasters, home life and podcasting the pressure has been weighty. It’s not too bad dealing with just one of those things, but having all those plates spinning at once can feel like you’re swimming against the tide.
The last place I was living was only meant to be short term, so I had to prioritise moving in order to get the other stuff sorted – the lack of decent wifi really puts a spanner in the works. The list of life admin is short but has some pretty significant points on it. I finally moved into my new place this week and the relief was almost instant! I absolutely love the new area, feels much more vibrant and full of quaint shops, cafes & hipsters. There are also lots of nice routes I can take on my morning runs, or afternoon walks by the river or various parks. The local residential streets themselves are full of cherry blossom trees and pretty houses. Even the bin men seem more friendly and whom I say good morning to whenever our paths cross. Yes I’m a cheery morning person now – so sue me.
I’m the kind of person who feels like they should always be out doing something – especially on sunny days. Not that I’ve actually ever actually been one of those people, this is all just in theory and thinking. But I’m also learning to not feel so much pressure and instead be content at times like this and enjoy the simple things like sitting in the afternoon sun. After-all I count myself lucky to have a garden in this town.
I used to always say that I preferred rainy days to sunny ones. And I would dread the arrival of summer. I hated sunny days because I was hungover for the most of them and I despised the feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out) even if I didn’t have any plans. The summer could do one because I felt like there was so much I could be doing to enjoy it but never surrounded myself with the right people or hobbies, so just ended up making more of the nights than the days. Therefore continuing to feel like a piece of shit who was failing miserably at life.
I’m now nearing the 3 month AF (alcohol-free) mark and I can’t quite figure out if it’s gone fast or slow. I think probably a bit of both. Theres been so much change in that time so I guess you could say that I’ve taken on a lot. This might not seem like a lot of time to some but for me it’s quite an accomplishmentm and the longest I’ve ever not drank since about the age of 13. I didn’t realise that I had been quite so consistent in my drinking for so many years until I started reflecting on my drinking career so it still blows my mind a little – a lot.
To top things off I’ve also been to the pub a couple times since re-opening which could be seen as a bit risky perhaps, but I was damn certain I wouldn’t drink. Firstly I’m too stubborn and secondly I’m enjoying the shiner me too much to risk it. The hardest part for me was A. the cold, and B. not smoking, C. rubbish AF options. Man oh man! I forgot how much I used to love having a few rollies at the pub. Yes I am a rolling tobacco kinda gal – sorry, was. It also felt a little uncomfortable having to tell my new flat mates that I don’t drink, and proceeding to leave early as I was freezing my actual tits off. That, plus I had a date with a tub of Judes low cal vegan ice-cream. Can’t go too crazy now can we. Wild child. But once I was honest and made my way home I felt strong in the knowledge that I’d been true to myself and what I was/ wasn’t comfortable with. I’m having to learn to accept that I am enough. And that drinking should not make me any more fun in other peoples eyes, nor should it define me. But like I’ve mentioned on more than a few occasions I am still a work in progress, and my self esteem will only get stronger in time.
The past few days I’ve been going to bed and waking up with an excited feeling in the pit of my stomach ready to seize the day and accept whatever gift it brings. What a change in such a short amount of time. It’s definitely worth the ‘sacrifice’.
On that note I’m off for brunch – Have the best Sunday pals!